It's not easy when four beloved people die...
These last few months have been challenging to say the least.
First Eddie, then Granny, James and the final straw Werner...all exceptional people.
this lead me to thinking about how we process death. Some people said to me because both Granny and Werner had lived long lives, it's "easier" to process their deaths. We all knew James was terminally ill. Eddie's death therefore was more of a shock...
I disagree, we process death in relation to the relationship we had with that person.
My love for each of these splendid people ...that's what makes it hard to deal with. They were a presence in my life, they contributed something truly meaningful to me, the loss of that, that's what makes it hard for me.
A good friend said to me in the midst of this heartache...the hole or gap that's left in your heart is meant to be there. Don't try to fill it. It belongs to that person.
.....love and peace to their souls...the holes you have left within me are yours forever!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Speak to us of Death...
Then Almitra spoke, saying, We would ask now of Death.
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds of dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate of eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
(Kahlil Gibran – The prophet)
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds of dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate of eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
(Kahlil Gibran – The prophet)
Monday, August 24, 2009
My tribute to a great man - Eddie Shepherd
When I think of Eddie I think of:
Faith: Eddie was blessed with deep and true faith. Never one to parade it before others, but always living it out each day, in all he did, and with all he met. He lived his beliefs with purpose and forethought.
Constancy: He was always constant in his promises, to his love for others and to his purpose.
Commitment: Eddie was deeply committed, to Mom, to his children and step-children, to his sport, to the choir and to God.
Fun: Eddie enjoyed having fun. I remember the dinner dances he took Mom to, the Shows they saw together, hunting and fishing with Grandpa and all the wonderful trips around South Africa he went on with Mom and friends.
Eddie always began with the end in mind…like having dessert before the main course.
He was sentimental. I can remember the love notes he would leave Mom on the condensation of the windows on winter mornings.
Above all he had great sight…
He saw the truth
And could spot birds better than anyone I know.
He taught me to look beyond the obvious…not just the pretty bold birds, but to seek out those that always get overlooked…the little brown birds. This he did this in life too.
He loved music and one of his favorite songs he could sing so well. I believe he is singing this song for us today:
I see trees of green, red roses too…
I see them bloom, for me and you.
And I think to myself…what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue, and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself…what a wonderful world…
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky.
Also the faces of people going by,
I see friends shaking hands, say how do you do?
They’re really saying, I love you.
I hear babies crying. I watch them grow.
They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know.
And I think to myself…what a wonderful world.
Yes I think to myself…what a wonderful world.
By Louis Armstrong
Eddie was always present: He was at every birthday party for his grand children, all my family events and even the children's school concerts. He loved being called Grandpa.
Faith: Eddie was blessed with deep and true faith. Never one to parade it before others, but always living it out each day, in all he did, and with all he met. He lived his beliefs with purpose and forethought.
Constancy: He was always constant in his promises, to his love for others and to his purpose.
Commitment: Eddie was deeply committed, to Mom, to his children and step-children, to his sport, to the choir and to God.
Fun: Eddie enjoyed having fun. I remember the dinner dances he took Mom to, the Shows they saw together, hunting and fishing with Grandpa and all the wonderful trips around South Africa he went on with Mom and friends.
Eddie always began with the end in mind…like having dessert before the main course.
He was sentimental. I can remember the love notes he would leave Mom on the condensation of the windows on winter mornings.
Above all he had great sight…
He saw the truth
And could spot birds better than anyone I know.
He taught me to look beyond the obvious…not just the pretty bold birds, but to seek out those that always get overlooked…the little brown birds. This he did this in life too.
He loved music and one of his favorite songs he could sing so well. I believe he is singing this song for us today:
I see trees of green, red roses too…
I see them bloom, for me and you.
And I think to myself…what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue, and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself…what a wonderful world…
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky.
Also the faces of people going by,
I see friends shaking hands, say how do you do?
They’re really saying, I love you.
I hear babies crying. I watch them grow.
They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know.
And I think to myself…what a wonderful world.
Yes I think to myself…what a wonderful world.
By Louis Armstrong
Eddie was always present: He was at every birthday party for his grand children, all my family events and even the children's school concerts. He loved being called Grandpa.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Blessing in “De Skies” = disguise!
I have been pondering the philosophies and “fad” wisdoms surrounding struggle and heart ache.
I have and support such books as The Secret and The Shack, I have also taken another step and just read an awesome book: Solving Tough Problems written by Adam Kahane. What an extraordinary man! What got me hooked was a lecture I attended (in my attempt to gain wisdom and knowledge = continuous professional development) presented by Len Turner. He mentioned the Flight of the Flamingos – one of four scenarios – a method of problem solving used by our SA leaders in the turn to democracy. I had heard “the flight of the flamingoes” being spoken of but had very little knowledge or true understanding of it. Len Turner’s lecture was so inspiring I bought the book and read it.
I have so many business and spiritual books to read, I thought I would first read the online book summary and foreword by Peter Senge – an author I follow in my line of business. But the introductory paragraph grabbed me instantly:
“Tough problems usually don’t get solved peacefully. They either don’t get solved at all – they get stuck – or they get solved by force. These frustrating and frightening outcomes occur all the time. Families replay the same argument over and over, or a parent lays down the law.”
The appeal of these words was due in part, probably because the family was preparing for the coming together of generations in celebration of my Grandmother’s 90th birthday. This brought with it preemptive anxiety as we feared the worst in facing unresolved family issues. For me personally, I feel stuck between two awesome families whom I love dearly, but who don’t see eye to eye on many things. Tough Problems.
Then there is the fact that things seem to be getting tougher and tougher financially!!!
I then put aside Adam’s book in search of more peaceful and calmer solice…The Secret, which I read and re-read, and even listen to on audio. How do I move from this place of toughness?
Life goes on, and work carries on. The birthday party went very well – from my perspective. Most importantly Granny had a wonderful time, surrounded by family and dear friends. Dad’s speech was very profound…and stirred within me…but the toughness continues unabated.
I went into a meeting and the four people in attendance began sharing their “tough” times. Tough problems abound….I thought: “at least I am not alone”
Then a colleague said something truly wonderful in response to all our troubles and woes: “These may be a blessing in disguise, you know, in de skies…” as he point upwards. He also said, “when things get scary don’t look down, look up in de skies….”
I have and support such books as The Secret and The Shack, I have also taken another step and just read an awesome book: Solving Tough Problems written by Adam Kahane. What an extraordinary man! What got me hooked was a lecture I attended (in my attempt to gain wisdom and knowledge = continuous professional development) presented by Len Turner. He mentioned the Flight of the Flamingos – one of four scenarios – a method of problem solving used by our SA leaders in the turn to democracy. I had heard “the flight of the flamingoes” being spoken of but had very little knowledge or true understanding of it. Len Turner’s lecture was so inspiring I bought the book and read it.
I have so many business and spiritual books to read, I thought I would first read the online book summary and foreword by Peter Senge – an author I follow in my line of business. But the introductory paragraph grabbed me instantly:
“Tough problems usually don’t get solved peacefully. They either don’t get solved at all – they get stuck – or they get solved by force. These frustrating and frightening outcomes occur all the time. Families replay the same argument over and over, or a parent lays down the law.”
The appeal of these words was due in part, probably because the family was preparing for the coming together of generations in celebration of my Grandmother’s 90th birthday. This brought with it preemptive anxiety as we feared the worst in facing unresolved family issues. For me personally, I feel stuck between two awesome families whom I love dearly, but who don’t see eye to eye on many things. Tough Problems.
Then there is the fact that things seem to be getting tougher and tougher financially!!!
I then put aside Adam’s book in search of more peaceful and calmer solice…The Secret, which I read and re-read, and even listen to on audio. How do I move from this place of toughness?
Life goes on, and work carries on. The birthday party went very well – from my perspective. Most importantly Granny had a wonderful time, surrounded by family and dear friends. Dad’s speech was very profound…and stirred within me…but the toughness continues unabated.
I went into a meeting and the four people in attendance began sharing their “tough” times. Tough problems abound….I thought: “at least I am not alone”
Then a colleague said something truly wonderful in response to all our troubles and woes: “These may be a blessing in disguise, you know, in de skies…” as he point upwards. He also said, “when things get scary don’t look down, look up in de skies….”
Monday, May 4, 2009
PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES
My last post was about zoning out...
I decided that in order to live by this maxim I would leave Gauteng behind and head for the mountains.
Where I am now. In the spectacular Drakensberg. Sitting under the splendor of the Amphitheatre, Baboon Head Rock and the Central Berg.
On our second day here, after suffering from a bout of Cystitis and suffering the pains of my body. I decided the family needed to go for a hike across the mountains above our chalets to the Wishing Well and beyond.
Note, it was me (not too well) David, the fittest of us all, Gabriella 9 years and Susanna only 5 years old. Off we went. We did ensure that the hotel knew we were going out and that if they did not hear from us by 6pm that they need to send a rescue party out to find us.
The Horns headed off for their “Grand Explore”!
I really enjoyed being above the world looking down for the height, seeing and discovering new flowers and bugs. Just being free….
It was going so well…
Then we had to find a way down from the mountain. The paths all ended and there were sheer rock faces below. We could see the jeep track below, way below!
No problem, David and Susanna went ahead to scout for a path. Gabriella and waiting, waiting, waiting. Then we both decided to follow the buck spoor. Surely buck would be sensible and find a route up and down the mountain?
I decided that in order to live by this maxim I would leave Gauteng behind and head for the mountains.
Where I am now. In the spectacular Drakensberg. Sitting under the splendor of the Amphitheatre, Baboon Head Rock and the Central Berg.
On our second day here, after suffering from a bout of Cystitis and suffering the pains of my body. I decided the family needed to go for a hike across the mountains above our chalets to the Wishing Well and beyond.
Note, it was me (not too well) David, the fittest of us all, Gabriella 9 years and Susanna only 5 years old. Off we went. We did ensure that the hotel knew we were going out and that if they did not hear from us by 6pm that they need to send a rescue party out to find us.
The Horns headed off for their “Grand Explore”!
I really enjoyed being above the world looking down for the height, seeing and discovering new flowers and bugs. Just being free….
It was going so well…
Then we had to find a way down from the mountain. The paths all ended and there were sheer rock faces below. We could see the jeep track below, way below!
No problem, David and Susanna went ahead to scout for a path. Gabriella and waiting, waiting, waiting. Then we both decided to follow the buck spoor. Surely buck would be sensible and find a route up and down the mountain?
Off we went. My shoe broke...yup a R800 pair of hiking boots! The sole broke clean off!!!
Try walking down a sheer gradient with a slippery shoe! Without the rubber sole all that was left between my foot and the ground was a piece of felt and leather.
I had a big backpack on …you need water on a hike and the energy bars and a jacket, just in case.
Gabriella was behind and I would take a foot into the unknown and she would place her foot down where mine was. I would save her from falling, as my back pack would cushion her fall.
It began quite well, but all of a sudden the grass grew taller, above my shoulders, way above Gabriella’s head! We could no longer see the buck spoor! Stinging nettles everywhere and still no sight or sound from David and Susanna.
Holding back my fear and frustration and not to mention my growing discomfort from the heat and broken shoe, I pressed on. One foot at a time, then oh boy! I slipped, slid on my ass and tumbled down. Stopped after a time by a boulder, which landed on top off stomach! Please don’t ask how. Gabriella looking down on me trying not to laugh, asked if I was OK. I was, thankfully. We then burst into uncontrollable laughter, made worse by our fear and frustration.
I then picked myself up and pressed on. However, I fell three more times after that, and each time worse than the first. My ankle twisted, my ass hurt and I had burs and grass spikes in all sorts places I never knew existed!
The last fall I just sat down and cried, I had my tantrum there in the mountains. I felt helpless and totally out of control. The mountain was bigger than me. I was not as fit as I imagined myself. I am not as young as I imagine myself to be. It was humiliating that I could not do this!!
Thinking back on the hike, I am proud of my girls, two little girls who managed such a long and strenuous hike. Witnesses to their mother’s swearing…more vile language came out of my mouth in that hike than I have ever uttered before. They were witnesses to my childlike tantrums and grumbles.
I am proud of my body, carrying me all the way. I am also proud of myself, because despite my final tirade, I did it. I hiked up the mountain and down again.
I am proud of David putting up with the females in the family.
All the things we think we can’t do are just our mind’s limitations. We CAN do whatever we set our mind on. The mountain cliff’s boundaries were just an illusion. I needed to look past this, my fear, my physical limitations and take just one step at a time. I made it to the jeep track, all in one piece.
Try walking down a sheer gradient with a slippery shoe! Without the rubber sole all that was left between my foot and the ground was a piece of felt and leather.
I had a big backpack on …you need water on a hike and the energy bars and a jacket, just in case.
Gabriella was behind and I would take a foot into the unknown and she would place her foot down where mine was. I would save her from falling, as my back pack would cushion her fall.
It began quite well, but all of a sudden the grass grew taller, above my shoulders, way above Gabriella’s head! We could no longer see the buck spoor! Stinging nettles everywhere and still no sight or sound from David and Susanna.
Holding back my fear and frustration and not to mention my growing discomfort from the heat and broken shoe, I pressed on. One foot at a time, then oh boy! I slipped, slid on my ass and tumbled down. Stopped after a time by a boulder, which landed on top off stomach! Please don’t ask how. Gabriella looking down on me trying not to laugh, asked if I was OK. I was, thankfully. We then burst into uncontrollable laughter, made worse by our fear and frustration.
I then picked myself up and pressed on. However, I fell three more times after that, and each time worse than the first. My ankle twisted, my ass hurt and I had burs and grass spikes in all sorts places I never knew existed!
The last fall I just sat down and cried, I had my tantrum there in the mountains. I felt helpless and totally out of control. The mountain was bigger than me. I was not as fit as I imagined myself. I am not as young as I imagine myself to be. It was humiliating that I could not do this!!
Thinking back on the hike, I am proud of my girls, two little girls who managed such a long and strenuous hike. Witnesses to their mother’s swearing…more vile language came out of my mouth in that hike than I have ever uttered before. They were witnesses to my childlike tantrums and grumbles.
I am proud of my body, carrying me all the way. I am also proud of myself, because despite my final tirade, I did it. I hiked up the mountain and down again.
I am proud of David putting up with the females in the family.
All the things we think we can’t do are just our mind’s limitations. We CAN do whatever we set our mind on. The mountain cliff’s boundaries were just an illusion. I needed to look past this, my fear, my physical limitations and take just one step at a time. I made it to the jeep track, all in one piece.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Time to Zone Out....
Life goes through different phases, or what I call “zones”. Right now South Africa has voted for a new president. The political and serious zone. We are all – around the world in a zone of squeezing every bit of value out of all we do to justify our spending. The economic zone also a serious zone. Family crises…ill health, depression, anxiety, another serious zone.
To balance these zones we all need to find a zone out space. Be it spiritual, entertainment, food or physical. When the pressure increases from our serious zones we over compensate with the zone outs…
Today I began my day with a “choco-chino” and anchovy toast (just to stop the overcompensation). I look back to my behavior in this zone and I would have gone shopping, shopping and spending to numb the pressure. Or to stop feeling that much. Ifeel if I stuff myself, with retail therapy, food or drink then I will stop feeling and just react and become more robot like.
Aaargh!!! Am I on the border line?
When I was growing up (still haven’t yet) I used to observe my mother and her friends zoning out by having a whisky, a long chat or venting session. Sometimes this would extend to dinner…late, late nights. My father similarly would take a whisky and many cartons of cigarettes (it was fashionable to smoke then). I would worry, were they going into excess?
I moved into the adult world, and would snobbishly view my friends who would courageously have a drink or two or more, go jolling…head banging etc, smoke a joint or two or cartons of cigarettes and think “thank God I am in control of myself”
Now…well, isn’t shopping till I’m stuffed and eating copious amounts of anything sugar or salt just a little bit the same? Or am I still being snobbish?
I realize we all need time to zone out, we all need to compensate for the excessive pressure. We all need friends to hoist us back to reality and re-focus. I just thank God (no not that again) that my friends are in balance when I am over-compensating. That they are honest with me and courageous enough to either join me and allow me to be me at these times…it’s OK , I give myself permission to zone out….
To balance these zones we all need to find a zone out space. Be it spiritual, entertainment, food or physical. When the pressure increases from our serious zones we over compensate with the zone outs…
Today I began my day with a “choco-chino” and anchovy toast (just to stop the overcompensation). I look back to my behavior in this zone and I would have gone shopping, shopping and spending to numb the pressure. Or to stop feeling that much. Ifeel if I stuff myself, with retail therapy, food or drink then I will stop feeling and just react and become more robot like.
Aaargh!!! Am I on the border line?
When I was growing up (still haven’t yet) I used to observe my mother and her friends zoning out by having a whisky, a long chat or venting session. Sometimes this would extend to dinner…late, late nights. My father similarly would take a whisky and many cartons of cigarettes (it was fashionable to smoke then). I would worry, were they going into excess?
I moved into the adult world, and would snobbishly view my friends who would courageously have a drink or two or more, go jolling…head banging etc, smoke a joint or two or cartons of cigarettes and think “thank God I am in control of myself”
Now…well, isn’t shopping till I’m stuffed and eating copious amounts of anything sugar or salt just a little bit the same? Or am I still being snobbish?
I realize we all need time to zone out, we all need to compensate for the excessive pressure. We all need friends to hoist us back to reality and re-focus. I just thank God (no not that again) that my friends are in balance when I am over-compensating. That they are honest with me and courageous enough to either join me and allow me to be me at these times…it’s OK , I give myself permission to zone out….
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